Two Toed Sloths: Story 6

Now, one might think that daisies are yellow, but actually they don’t exist. You know what else doesn’t exist? Two toed sloths. But if they did exist, they would be really awesome. Actually they were discovered fairly recently, but also fairly recently they were covered up as a hoax. The zoologist who discovered them decided he wanted to breed all of them and keep them to himself. He was a very selfish man, who only cared about red carpets.So after breeding all of them he cut them open to die - I mean, dye, his cream coloured carpets a cozy home rouge. He loved his carpets so much that he used them as both wall and ceiling covers. It was surprisingly sound proof, which meant his friends, (who happened to be in a band) always met at his place for practice. One day they decided to hire a singer. A female named Maggie handed in her application. They interviewed her and decided to give her a trial practice with them. She was so terrible, that she was actually quite hilarious, so she was hired. Immediately their sales shot up the Top 40s chart - that is, until her circus handlers recognized her, after all, who can not recognize those nose flaring rainbows? They lost many sales after she was taken back to the circus. It was a sad day, but as it turned out, she died in a volcano and the band got a new singer who sang very well, they are now Queen. Dancing Queen!! Tra la la la young and sweet, only seventeen! Introducing Maggie the dancing queen! 

The Ice Cream Truck: Story 5

I knew a man once. He died. But I knew another man. I knew his dog as well. It died. Many of the friends I have made had pasted away. I have had a very depressing life you see. So can you help me? You look fearfully optimistic. I need to learn how to grin and laugh. Let me tell you about my past. I died. It is my secret to being fearfully optimistic. See one day on a sunny afternoon I had a lollipop. An ice cream truck ran over my dog and before I had time to mouth for him, it ran over me. Ding-a-ling! Here he came, back down the street exactly a year later. It was the happiest I had been. See my body was detached and floating, floating until BAM! And the car knocked into me and I was reattached to my body, but my soul had long gone. I began to float into the abyss. It was too hot down there, so I decided this world was good enough for me. Perhaps you should try it sometime, its better than the happy pill, or laughing gas. So here I stand today, happy to be here and not in Australia.

The Cop & The Crab Girl: Story 4

I met this beautiful girl. She was a snob, but not actually, many thought she was, but deep down she was really nice. She had been hurt before, so she hid herself in a crusty shell, which unfortunately for everyone else she became her real self. She had been hurt by a crab, hence, crusty shell. So in reality you had to look really hard to see any beauty underneath that crusty crust of a girl. I was lucky enough to see her without the shell. “Get out!” she fumed. “How dare you come backstage!” I was like “yo, I live here.” “You’re the new tenant?” she asked. In disbelief I said “nope, I’m a cop in disguise!” “This is a circus not a jail!” “What is your point?” “My domain!” she hissed. “I will arrest you beautiful woman!” “I shall not be held captive in your harem you dimwit!” “What?! No, I am taking you to jail beautiful woman.” “Well at least you have brains.” As the cop pulled out his revolver she dissolved the ground leaving an ash heap in the shape of a small crab. The wind blew and she was no more.

Fred & The Fairies: Story 3

There once was a man, and his name was Fred. There came an unfortunate day when the postman arrived at his doorstep. He carried with him a large package with Fred’s name on it. It was a bomb. “Get it off my hands man!” exclaimed the postman, white as a sheep. “Oh goodie, I have been waiting for this all day.” Fred really liked having bombs. You see, Fred worked as a ground field agent for fairies. Fred needs the C4 in order to blow up the white house. The fairies thought it best to make an explosion in order to crack the key spots in the foundation. You have to understand that the fairies do not like the president. His great great great great uncle had killed their king many years ago. Needless to say, they weren’t thrilled. For years they plotted their revenge, but unfortunately human time and fairy time works differently. Every year in fairy land is seven in human time. This means it takes the fairies a long time to get anything done, however, their time had come. “mwuahahahaha! I shall have his head!” And so they recruited Fred for extreme purposes. See if a fairy came to your store asking for some thing, you would follow them to the end, even death. Usually people wouldn’t see them, them being so ridiculously tall, thin and wispy. But Fred, Fred was different. Seeing that Fred had studied them all his life, he knew all their secrets. “We couldn’t kill a great hunk of meat like that” they said. “We shall join him, since we cannot beat him.” So they blew up Fred with their own C4: the fairies like to blow stuff up. They inserted a monitoring gizmo in his brain before putting him back together again. Now he was under their full control, but before this happened he sent a message to the president telling of this plan, so he hacked their software and gained access to them. Thankfully the fairies got abducted by aliens and all was right with the world. Thanks Fred.

Haircuts: Story 2

Why do stories start with ‘once’ or ‘a long time ago?’ Well this one does not. Just kidding, a long time ago in a place not far from here there was this guy who was determined to make everyones life miserable. He succeeded in making the dog’s life miserable, but thats about it. He decided that he needed to find a better more useful way to enslave people. So he bought a bomb and hired batman. Unfortunately Batman had found a new calling in life - hair curling . . . It was around this time that this guy was invited to be Batman’s right hand stylist. Soon he found out that nothing made people more miserable than a bad haircut. With this in mind he devised a plan to give everyone a bad hair cut, at the same time. This put Batman out of business. Batman was so hurt by this injustice that he plotted his revenge. The revenge went something like this: “I’m Batman . . . Helicopters . . . Dang.” Helicopters had been outlawed in their country due to an invasion of masses of birds . . . who wants air strikes anyway? At least he tried, but there must be still the use of something that riddles an enemy. Batman thought, but couldn’t think anymore, so he cried, a lot. He lost his helicopter, he lost his business . . . he decided there was only one thing left to do. . . . bury himself alive, and hibernate for a thousand years. The guy, whose name was Billy had now died and this made Batman very happy when he awoke from his slumber. So Batman continued to cut hair, and eventually managed to buy his helicopter back and then moved to Wisconsinite. By then helicopters were outdated and so Batman gave people rides charging fifty dollars a person as a side business. Thus Batman lived the rest of his days happy, dying a ripe old man with helicopter and hair styling money. The end.

The Things & The Bunnies: Story 1

Far away in a distant land there lived a thing. There was a thing one and a thing two. Thing one wore only red things. Thing two always looked like thing one, so you could never tell them apart and they were forever getting into trouble. The key to their success was their matching rings. The rings made them laugh the exact same way. It was terribly confusing for the teachers at school, but highly useful when they took turns skipping class. One day thing one or at least we think it was him, ate a pie. He pulled it out from the sky, yes, where Thing one and two came from; nobody ever pays for groceries (they float or grow on trees) except carrots. This made life difficult for Tom who wanted to be Fred, but that is a story for another time. Yes, about the whole carrot thing - a bunny ate them all, but that bunny is dead now, so its ok. You would think that peace had been restored in their country, but it hadn’t. Quite unexpectedly, the bunnies were not all dead, one had survived and started to rebuild the forces and rearm for their revenge on those who had done this to them. The bunny decided it was the “things” fault. After all, they had always caused the most mischief. So the master bunny crafted a master ring. To those that the “things;” so the lord bunny poured all his malice and rage for the things into it and it poisoned his mind, through this ring. He finished his revenge.