Young Boy Bill: Story 9

When Bill was a very young boy, at the age of four, he decided to hijack a communist ship just south of Chernobyl with a toothbrush. Armed with his toothbrush he sneakily sneaked up to Chernobyl but was stopped by an armed guard. As it turned out, the armed guard was armed with a banana. “GRRRR!” They both said, then broke off in mid-growl, blinking at each other in dumb-founded shock. This continued for several years. In that time, Bill grew up, long and lanky, his crowning beauty being pristine teeth. With his teeth, he managed to befriend a goat named Martha. It was so cold up there, no crops grew, but luckily with Martha’s help they lured the rest of the goat family into a primitive trap often enough to kill and cook for supper, obviously Martha had no issue with the genocide of goats. Meanwhile the guard ate Martha. Bill decided his career outlook south of Chernobyl was dismally bleak. Along came a butterfly with a winter coat named Bailey. She landed on Bill’s shoulder. “I’m your fairy godmother with college plans for you!” She chirped. She told him never to study again. Bill took the advice.

The Magic Scarf: Story 8

Maggie was not your usual girl. In fact one might say she was quite unusual. She walked around wearing a pete pan collar blouse, plaid skirt, patent leather shoes and all together looked quite out of place in Sudbury. She greatly disliked pop culture and always sang her own compositions when walking out in public. But the one thing that stood out most of all, was her big enormous nose. She was so nosy that jaws dropped open everywhere on everyone’s faces and screams covering up her otherwise beautiful voice. She decided all she could do was cover her nose with a scarf; an extremely large scarf that popped sparkles and buzzed electric. People were so fascinated by her scarf that she kept turning up the voltage to keep people away, until she buzzed o high her nose hairs caught on fire. She was literally blowing flames out of her nose. She joined the circus. There she learned to shoot fireworks out of her ears as far as Timbuktu. However, se was banned from doing this because everyone between her and Timbuktu felt endangered. They singed a petition against her saying she was not allowed to fire fireworks. She she cried, which made things worse because kryptonite rolled out. Thus Lex Luther was able to get his hands on the only kryptonite to fight Superman.

Bill Goes To College: Story 7

It was Bill’s first day of college. There was so much to do and not enough time to do it. So he sat down and ate a bagel. Munching it he pulled out the advice Bailey the butterfly gave him. He turned to page 394 and read: “eat lots of bagels.” The words were written in bold. Boldly he stuffed himself with as many bagels as there were available at the campus Tim Hortons. He felt better than ever, like he could do anything, or in his case, eat lots of bagels. He ate so much he was thrown into the psychology lab. They decided to study psychology and what persuaded him to eat such an enormous amount of bagels. They studied him for two decades and after twenty years they decided that Bill was in fact normal. So they disposed of him, from the top of a suspension bridge. His body fell and fell and fell. Luckily Iron Man caught him on the way down. But only barely at that exact moment a pyranusausus flapped by and caught him in his beak. He was so thankful to be alive. So he gave the creature a balloon and moved to Sudbury.

Two Toed Sloths: Story 6

Now, one might think that daisies are yellow, but actually they don’t exist. You know what else doesn’t exist? Two toed sloths. But if they did exist, they would be really awesome. Actually they were discovered fairly recently, but also fairly recently they were covered up as a hoax. The zoologist who discovered them decided he wanted to breed all of them and keep them to himself. He was a very selfish man, who only cared about red carpets.So after breeding all of them he cut them open to die - I mean, dye, his cream coloured carpets a cozy home rouge. He loved his carpets so much that he used them as both wall and ceiling covers. It was surprisingly sound proof, which meant his friends, (who happened to be in a band) always met at his place for practice. One day they decided to hire a singer. A female named Maggie handed in her application. They interviewed her and decided to give her a trial practice with them. She was so terrible, that she was actually quite hilarious, so she was hired. Immediately their sales shot up the Top 40s chart - that is, until her circus handlers recognized her, after all, who can not recognize those nose flaring rainbows? They lost many sales after she was taken back to the circus. It was a sad day, but as it turned out, she died in a volcano and the band got a new singer who sang very well, they are now Queen. Dancing Queen!! Tra la la la young and sweet, only seventeen! Introducing Maggie the dancing queen! 

The Ice Cream Truck: Story 5

I knew a man once. He died. But I knew another man. I knew his dog as well. It died. Many of the friends I have made had pasted away. I have had a very depressing life you see. So can you help me? You look fearfully optimistic. I need to learn how to grin and laugh. Let me tell you about my past. I died. It is my secret to being fearfully optimistic. See one day on a sunny afternoon I had a lollipop. An ice cream truck ran over my dog and before I had time to mouth for him, it ran over me. Ding-a-ling! Here he came, back down the street exactly a year later. It was the happiest I had been. See my body was detached and floating, floating until BAM! And the car knocked into me and I was reattached to my body, but my soul had long gone. I began to float into the abyss. It was too hot down there, so I decided this world was good enough for me. Perhaps you should try it sometime, its better than the happy pill, or laughing gas. So here I stand today, happy to be here and not in Australia.

The Cop & The Crab Girl: Story 4

I met this beautiful girl. She was a snob, but not actually, many thought she was, but deep down she was really nice. She had been hurt before, so she hid herself in a crusty shell, which unfortunately for everyone else she became her real self. She had been hurt by a crab, hence, crusty shell. So in reality you had to look really hard to see any beauty underneath that crusty crust of a girl. I was lucky enough to see her without the shell. “Get out!” she fumed. “How dare you come backstage!” I was like “yo, I live here.” “You’re the new tenant?” she asked. In disbelief I said “nope, I’m a cop in disguise!” “This is a circus not a jail!” “What is your point?” “My domain!” she hissed. “I will arrest you beautiful woman!” “I shall not be held captive in your harem you dimwit!” “What?! No, I am taking you to jail beautiful woman.” “Well at least you have brains.” As the cop pulled out his revolver she dissolved the ground leaving an ash heap in the shape of a small crab. The wind blew and she was no more.

Fred & The Fairies: Story 3

There once was a man, and his name was Fred. There came an unfortunate day when the postman arrived at his doorstep. He carried with him a large package with Fred’s name on it. It was a bomb. “Get it off my hands man!” exclaimed the postman, white as a sheep. “Oh goodie, I have been waiting for this all day.” Fred really liked having bombs. You see, Fred worked as a ground field agent for fairies. Fred needs the C4 in order to blow up the white house. The fairies thought it best to make an explosion in order to crack the key spots in the foundation. You have to understand that the fairies do not like the president. His great great great great uncle had killed their king many years ago. Needless to say, they weren’t thrilled. For years they plotted their revenge, but unfortunately human time and fairy time works differently. Every year in fairy land is seven in human time. This means it takes the fairies a long time to get anything done, however, their time had come. “mwuahahahaha! I shall have his head!” And so they recruited Fred for extreme purposes. See if a fairy came to your store asking for some thing, you would follow them to the end, even death. Usually people wouldn’t see them, them being so ridiculously tall, thin and wispy. But Fred, Fred was different. Seeing that Fred had studied them all his life, he knew all their secrets. “We couldn’t kill a great hunk of meat like that” they said. “We shall join him, since we cannot beat him.” So they blew up Fred with their own C4: the fairies like to blow stuff up. They inserted a monitoring gizmo in his brain before putting him back together again. Now he was under their full control, but before this happened he sent a message to the president telling of this plan, so he hacked their software and gained access to them. Thankfully the fairies got abducted by aliens and all was right with the world. Thanks Fred.